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So lost and Yet so Young

We all have complications in our lives. The things that make our life that much difficult or that much harder to wake up to in the morning. Its like a buzzard eating at a dead animal carcas its like it will never go away even after its belly is full of flesh. Well, this is a story about a girl that has so many complications in her life that there is simply no one to talk to because they would not understand.
When people turn 18 that is the first marker in the rest of their lives. When Arya turned 18 she didn't feel the marker of her first moments of adulthood, she felt the opposite. She never understood why people cared so much about their birthdays. Most people would'nt see it when they looked at her, but she was always the outsider in a teens society. People thought that just because she had a light spirit or she smiled and laughed at every chance that she got that she was truly happy.
The truth was was that she may have appeared happy, but she was dying on the inside looking for someone somewhere who understood who she was. Instead, she found no one. No one could see through her happy exterior and just took who she was at face value. So, she turned to the few things that made her feel free, movies, television and music. Some may argue that yeah every teenager does that, but for Arya it was different when she watched tv or film she didn't watch it for just entertainment, but for solace that was lacking in her daily life. When she listened to music it wasn't just the beats that she loved it was the story that was being told within the beats and the music that made her understand life much more.
From the first time she heard and watched these entertaining things she saw what was underneath and wanted fiercely to be apart in making them because to her watching and listening to these things that she felt she was in the presence of the world's greatest artists. She wanted to become an actress to instill in young women that just because some people weren't there for them that that didn't mean that she wouldn't.
She wanted to go to an art school at first because she felt that was the best way to start out, but her father wanted her to have a fall back just in case, so she decided to go to a normal college turning down the best theatrical schools in the country. Her life changed however when she learned that she couldn't go to college just yet, but a little bit later. To her it was like putting ficies in her mouth because to her her dreams were just dashed away in a matter of minutes.
So what did Arya do she became depressed, especially after her eldest sister turned her back on her and her friends went off to thei respective places in the world. She felt left behind, stuck in a hell hole. The thought of staying home was horrible, but what else could she do. So, that's what she did. She stopped using her phone for because she didn't want to here about how her friends had a better life than her and how they party all of the time. All she wanted to hear was that everything would be okay and things would get better and she'd be okay. It took her a few months, but she's getting there. Every now and then she thinks back to when things were better and happier, but then it goes away once she realizes that none of those things were notable at all.
She still waits in her room waiting for a better life knowing that it will be coming soon and then she can finally leave her prison.


Where I can't Follow....

I am so tired of people thinking that they know me because they really don't. They make assumptions and when I set them straight they don't believe me, so I get mad and say fuck it. Fuk em'.
I had a dream that my dad gave me money to go travel around Europe. I have no idea what it really means, but it made me happy and it gave me this feeling that things are going to get better for me finally and that a new change is coming. I just hope that its good.
I found a casting call website today. I don't know if I should fill it out though because my dad is going to give me the whole spiel about go to college first. Well, right now I can't afford to go so I might as well do something. I guess I'll wait it out.
I think I'll write a short story in the next update. It'll mirror how I feel about things in my life right now.


Tomorrow when The War Began...

Hey everyone I just watched one of the best movies of my life right now. The movie is titled, "Tomorrow When The War Began". Its based off a novel and I definitely would like to read it. I know that I normally do not rave about movies here, but since I am awake at four in the morning I felt more than inclined to write, well to myself since no one else reads this, but me.

Anyway, The reason that I am talking about this movie is because it got me thinking essentially, 'what if this happened to me and me and my friends had to fight to save our country from takeover.' The whole entire time that I was watching the movie I would watch the characters reactions to things that would happen around them and I would like to say that the level of character developement was brilliant because it showed the audience that yeah these are teenagers and they have been thrust into a situation that makes them grow up a little bit faster because of their sitauion they are forced to fight back against these soldiers that are trying to take them over. They are also forced to take peoples lives and all of them cope with it differently. The one that is sort of appointed leader is Ellie and from the very beginning she had to make a choice to either save herself and her friends or be killed or captured by these soldiers. She had the moment of fight or flight and she fought hard to protect her friends as well of herself by blowing up a tractor that killed some troops that were after them. At first she is shocked because she just took a life and she didn't know how to feel or what to do afterwards, but for her that made things all the more clear for her because she saw that she had to go their depth of thinking about survival and war tactic and go there herself which she did and she is far from it, she ultimately is traumatized by the things that she saw and the things in the end, but in the end she knows that this is the only way to win this war that she and her friends were thrust into.

I sort of saw this small change occur in all of the characters except this girl named Robbin because she was severly religious and she herself did not take kindly to the thought of taking these soldiers lives because she saw it as murder not a defensive tactic. It takes her a bit to understand that its just something that they have to do in order to survive and win. The moment for her is when Ellie and Fie are getting shot at by three soldiers that this change occurs in her and its hard and easy to see at the sametime because for a second she hesitates to shoot them with her rifle and in that second she really thinks about it and then she shoots the soldiers in the name of saving her friends and her country.

On to me and what I would do:

I think it would be alittle hard for me to understand for a bit, but once I gathered and got what was truly going on around me. I would stay with my friends and find ways to take this hostile army down. I think I would have that whole traumitizing period, but after that my mind would be on surviving and saving our country. I would also steal some mortorcycles and guns as well as ammo and food to plan how we would hit em' hard in the end because for anyone it has to be the hardest decision to shoot a gun on another human being and do things that we wouldn't normally do. Its sort of a defense mechanism that all humans no how to do given the situation. I would also use the the movie as means to survive and learn from it and take things from it to use in our survival pattern.

My opinions on the movie:

I totally thought that the whole idea of the move as well as the novel was fantastic because the authors and the writers took normal teenagers and put them in a situation that is life changing after they go away for a weekend to go camping. They took what countless teenagers fear about things changing when they leave and rocked the boat of art to get this suspenseful teen adventure, where there is love and comedy, but also a lot of unruly situations.
I also liked the central idea of taking one simple thing such as a war and making it to war its not soldiers fighting on enemy lines its teenagers who lives have changed in the matter of a day or two. I also loved the fact that it wasn't a hideous creature these teens were fighting, but people and to me its as real as it gets and thats what got me thinking because I love movies that put in the chracters shoes and also makes me think about the things that I'd do in that situation which is great.

SO, that's it I am signing off now.


No One Believes Me...

I know I said that I was done with this depressing shit, but I don't feel depressed, I feel more disappointed in myself. I know it sounds stupid, but that is just how I feel. I feel like I have nothing to be smiling about and nothing to feel special and complete about; because I have truthfully done nothing to be proud of.
I think my dad hates me now too, he doesn't look at me the same. He just looks at me with pity and dissappointment and he blames me and my sister for stuff that we don't do. I know that I am sensitive, but the worst thing is to have my father be dissappointed in me because he was the only one that did. Now I am no one again and I hate it. No one believes that I need help, but I do.
I thought I was special, that I was supposed to be someone important, but I am just a little girl going nowhere.

Voyage of Self Discovery

There are moments in our life when we lose what we believe in and it takes time and acceptance for us to realize that just because something did not go our way the first time that it will never work. This road may feel endless like bedlam on a loop, but the truth is, is that the road can go on for as long as we make it. We can stop and turn on a better one once we find what we need in order to persue our odessy of the world. Unfortunately this odessy never occurs for some because they choose to wonder down the ever growing road of sorrow. For those that want to make a turn for the better seek the answers in themselves everyday with the undertone of hope and faith in everything that they do, let it be little or big, but it makes the transformation that much greater.
For the past 4 months I have been mourning the loss of who I was 8 months ago because I thought that that part of me died when my dreams were dashed away in a matter of a few seconds. I thought that I could never be who I was anymore because I didn't get what I wanted. The only reason why I felt this cold dark part of me manifest was because I thought that's who I am now, a cold-hearted person. It took months for me to understand that life does come at us fast and it does not descriminate against race, gender or age. It just happens and when it does happen it is our own job as human beings to be able to pick up the pieces and fix them and help with those that have fallen down just as us.
I thought that I lost myself, but the truth is, is that I was just growing up. I am still me, but I am maturing into a young woman. For the first time in months I finally understood what it means to be a new adult. I now understand that just because I didn't get what I wanted the first time doesn't mean that I can't go out into the world and get what I want this time around. I realize that I have been given a second chance to fix all of the mistakes that I didn't know that I made until now. I can literally change my future and that is what I intend to do. I don't have to rush anything. I can take my time and get the things that I want and still let the chips fall as they may.
It took me a few tv marathons, six movies and one quote to get me to find clarity. I don't have to rush it. I can just go with it for right now and do what I can now. I have been given the oppurtunity that so many people miss out on and I am going to milk it for what its worth. I now undersstand that I don't have to go to Hollywood right now, but I can make my journey there however miticulous it may be. I have time because I am still a kid.
It feels good to get that out. I guess I am done talking now.


True Happiness + Immensity=........

My mind is what some may call uncontrollably cognitive. I have this problem where once I cognitively expand my mind the seratonin starts to get over stimulated and my brain goes to hyperspeed and my mind can't stop. Its like driving a race car with no breaks. It only slows once I draw about it or write about it. My mind feeds on thinking philosophically and to me its not a bad thing it is just a hard thing to control. I guess that's it. I started to feel more normal today. I guess I am getting better.

I just want to believe....

Everyday people in the world wake up and feel like the life that they have is insignificant to the one that they are currently living because, they feel this ache in their gut that there is more to life than just whatever their current lives consist of. We all get this feeling, some more than others and others not so much because to them it doesn't matter. That's fine as well.
For the past week I have gone from not feeling anything to feeling more than what I have before. I find it funny that people take feelings for granted. I know that some of you may think that I am crazy for saying so, but its true millions of us try not to feel anything because we are afraid of the emotional let down and the consequences that it can cause us and that's okay, it just life and indeed life is tricky. Anyway, I had this aching lately like maybe I am supposed to be doing more right now than the nothing important that I am doing. I keep getting this feeling in my gut that my life is more than this like I am meant to be somewhere and do something more. Whatever it is I have no idea. I just hope I find it soon and that I am very happr doing it because I don't want to be those people that work so hard in their life to choose the assumed correct path and end up living a lie that they unfortunately can not get out of. I just hope it comes soon because I really want to believe that I am worth more than this hermit that I have become.


Misguided Ghosts....

I think I have a condition called schizoid personality disorder. You are probably wondering what the hell happened to me? Well I wish I knew. One night I updated pouring my heart into an update and then I discovered that the women of my family have been trying to control me and who I am my whole entire life. After I cried myself that night, I woke up feeling nothing. I felt nothing, no happiness, no sadness, no nastalgia, nothing. I was also very apathetic I still I am. I no longer feel anything, I have no real wants or desires and I don't care about anything. I think I have Schizoid Personality Disorder.
I would discuss this with someone in my family, but sadly enough I don't think they would care much. They would probably say I am just going through changes or there is nothing remotely wrong with me, but the problem is is that I know that I am no longer okay. I felt the last parts of me slip away and now I am gone and they don't even notice. I wish I could be angry, but I can't. I can"t feel anything at all.
I am gone and all that is left is an empty shell.

If My Dreams Came True...

I had no idea what to say once at this trending topic that said "If My DReams Came True". I was at a loss of words beacsue for the first time in my life I didn't have an answer. There was no cordial way of answering that. So all I said was that, "I don't know what would happen afterwards." It sadly true. I have no idea what happens after I get the one thing in my life that I have ever wanted.
All of the sudden I was ridden with questions such as: If I get the one thing that I have ever wanted, will I be happy? Will I want something more? Will I be miserable? Will something be missing? All of these idears were running mind with red! Because as human-beings it is an endless circle to always want more than what we have, despite if we are rich, in love, poor or lonely. It just goes endlessly. How do we know when everything that we have is finally enough?

I do know that if I somehow achieve my dream and actually live it that it will probably be the most eurphoric moment of my life, like a huge stepping stone to something that is so much bigger than me that helps me understand this world a little more. I always feel like I am apart of something so much bigger than myself that it eats me up inside because I try to find all of the answers because I just... I have to know for myself and everyone else.

They say, "That its not about the journey to your dream, but the story that is the dream." I personally never understood it because without the story that leads up to the dream than dream is just an illusion that that person prides themselve on because they forgot what it was like to work to get there.

I hope I can find the answers and seek out the most special and beautiful things of this world because people should hear about those too. I want to know that if I finally get what I have worked so hard for and coveted for so long that there is still so much to the dream than actually getting it as if it were a prize or an award because life should never feel like that. It should feel liberating, heartbreaking, tragic, dramatic, comedic, addictive, hard, but most of all true. All that I ever will ask is that if I get the one thing that I have ever wanted, please let me live a great dramatic life because I wouldn't have it any other way.
What people fail to understand is that life is big and scary, but most of all an enigma. You see we all have our own stories our own tv shows and movies the difference is that we live them not as dramatically, but as true as possible even when we are given deception. You see life is a movie because once its over, our life is a series of displaced images that are held together by a lingering metaphor.

Find Your Way...

I have been trying to find my way lately and I have realized that I am already on my way to where ever I need to be. I know that I am in this gray area of my life, but maybe that's what I need, a gray area a time to relax a bit.
I wake up some mornings thinking about how much of a great time this can be for me because I can do the things that I never got to do before. This isn't a time for sulking this is a time for living and that is what I'll do live.
I want to create. Captur the life that is all around me that I find beautiful and then show it to the world, so someone like me knows that they're not alone. I think I was meant to give people that satisfaction. that things are still beautiful in this world despite the horrors that people commit.I want to tell stories specifically mine, so people know what really goes on in the lives of teenagers.